Let Go
by croxley
Summary: Alice didn't believe in letting a problem fester and grow, and this problem was literally growing every second.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

 **Let Go**

Alice didn't believe in letting a problem fester and grow, and this problem was literally _growing_ every second.

•••

She had lied.

She had looked her father in the eye and let the lie slip easily part her lips. It wasn't the first time she had ever done it and it would certainly not be the last, but it was the first time in years that the lie had tasted bitter on her tongue. When she saw the relief flood his eyes, she knew she couldn't take it back, and so she didn't. Instead, she went into the bathroom, stood beneath the spray of the shower, and cried. They were silent tears of disappointment in herself, in Jasper, in the direction she had let her life take.

She stayed beneath the spray until the water ran cold, and, by that time, she already had a plan of action formed. Alice didn't believe in letting a problem fester and grow, and this problem was literally _growing_ every second.

Alice had logically catalogued her options: abortion, adoption, and keeping it. She wasn't naïve enough to think that she could keep the thing growing inside of her — she refused to call it a baby — and she knew that if she did actually _give birth_ to it, she wouldn't have the strength to hand it to someone else to raise.

Alice had never really picked a side on the whole abortion debate. She wasn't one of those girls that wore "Abortion is Homicide" and marched on Washington, but she also wasn't one of those girls that equated abortion with being a feminist. No, Alice's opinion on the subject was the same with abortion that it was with most controversial issues: it was their own _private_ business.

Sitting on her bed in her white towel, her wet hair dripping down her back, Alice dialed the Women's Clinic and made an appointment. She could do this, she had done harder before.

That night, as she thrashed beneath her covers, she dreamt of the only thing she had been able to think of for the last few weeks: Jasper snorting lines off a naked Maria. Jasper once again laying waste to his life.

•••

A/N: Thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

 **Let Go**

Alice didn't believe in letting a problem fester and grow, and this problem was literally _growing_ every second.

•••

Alice sat awkwardly in the waiting room, nowhere near as confident as she had been when she had been here only two days ago. This time, as she sat and faked reading a six-month old issue of _Cosmo_ , she studied the pregnant women in the waiting room, one of whom looked to be about sixteen and was ready to pop, and, unconsciously, her hand ghosted to her flat stomach.

"When are you due?"

Alice snapped out of her daze and turned to face the woman speaking to her. She was about Alice's age, her baby bump discretely covered by a maternity top. "Excuse me?"

The woman gestured towards her middle. "When's your due date?"

"Oh, I'm not —" Hearing her voice crack, Alice began again. "I'm not having a baby."

"You're not?" the stranger said skeptically. "Then why are you holding your stomach?"

Noticing for the first time that she had wrapped her arms around her middle, Alice untangled them and firmly stated, "I'm not having a baby."

The woman stared at her for another moment before realization came over her face. Voice dripping with disdain, she said, " _Oh_. You're one of _those_."

Alice watched in shock as the woman got to her feet and moved down a few seats, and, despite not wanting to, Alice felt the sting of it in her already-battered heart. When the nurse called her name, Alice gratefully rushed out of the waiting room and into the sanctuary that the nurse practitioner's office offered.

The nurse was about her father's age with a kind smile, and Alice wished that it could set her at ease. She listened to her recite the information that she had provided on the forms she filled out; it was with detachment that Alice listened to her state the date of her last period, confirm the fact that yes, she was indeed pregnant according to the blood test she had the last time she was here.

Alice was not excited to don the paper gown and put her feet in the stirrups. As she felt the cool metal of the speculum, she stared blankly up at the ceiling, startled by the tears that blurred her vision as the nurse gently pressed on her belly.

"Well, Alice, you appear to be about six weeks along. Does that sound accurate?"

Unbidden, Alice knew precisely when the…thing— _not baby, can't be a baby_ —had been conceived. "Yeah, that's right," Alice confirmed as she sat up, removing her feet from the stirrups.

"Well, we'll get you some prenatal vitamins and—"

"No, I, um…I don't want to be pregnant. I can't be."

The nurse gave away no hint as to what she was thinking, but that didn't stop Alice from wondering if she was judging her. "Have you given this much thought?"

"I'm in college, I live with my dad, and I'm not with my boyfriend right now. I can't be a mom. I'd be terrible at it, and it's just better if—"

"Alice, you don't have to justify your decision. Now, we do ask that you take a few days to consider this —"

"I don't need to consider it."

The nurse nodded. "I understand that, but it's standard for the clinic. Also, if you do decide that you'd like to pursue that option, we ask that you bring someone with you as you won't be able to drive after the procedure because of the anesthetic." In a gentler tone, she inquired, "Have you told your boyfriend yet?"

She shook her head, feeling her face flush with shame.

"Maybe you should. He could surprise you."

"He usually does," she murmured. "I just don't think it's a good time for either of us."

"I can understand that this is very overwhelming. And I know that we discussed the medical problems that someone your size can potentially face with a full-term pregnancy, and that can make it seem even less appealing. But I think that you should still discuss the situation with the baby's father."

Alice nodded absently, wanting to do anything _but_ that.

•••

A/N: Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

 **Let Go**

Alice didn't believe in letting a problem fester and grow, and this problem was literally _growing_ every second.

•••

She didn't want to tell him. In fact, the last thing that Alice wanted to do was talk to Jasper, because every time she did, she pictured Jasper and Maria entangled on a bed. But when she had been looking at her planner, trying to decide what would be the best option for her abortion, she thought about Jasper. She knew that if she had the abortion without telling him that she would never be able to see him again without feeling guilty, and Alice had enough to feel badly about without adding more Jasper-guilt to that pile.

It was easy to find him. The only class that he ever seemed to attend with regularity was Human Sexuality, and, sure enough, he was there today. When he was walking out of the class, he had spotted her leaning against the wall and stopped the conversation he was having with a curvy blonde.

"Hey."

"We need to talk," she said shortly, needing to keep this as formal and disconnected as she could.

"Do we?"

Shifting uncomfortably, she asked, "Can we go somewhere private?"

Jasper nodded, motioning for her to follow him. They were quiet the entire way to his car and the quiet seemed to only get louder as they drove. When they finally stopped at a nearby park, Jasper turned towards her and stated, "You haven't returned my calls."

"I didn't have anything to say."

"I told you that Maria—"

"I don't want to talk about her!"

"Then what the fuck do you want to talk about? What do you want to say to me? Do you want me to grovel? Because I'm done—"

"I'm pregnant."

Jasper froze so quickly that it would've been comical if Alice was certain that she wasn't going to throw up. After a minute of his mouth opening and closing like a fish, he managed, "Pregnant?"

"Yep. Mazel tov!"

"How did you get pregnant?"

"I got lost in the cabbage patch. How do you think?"

"But we were always—"

"Not always."

Jasper was quiet as he remembered the night she was referring to. Finally, he asked, "What are we going to do?"

"I already talked to the Women's Clinic. I'm going to ask Bella if she'll come with me, and I have some money saved up, so I don't need—"

"Wait, you're getting rid of it?"

"Of course."

"Were you even going to ask what I thought?"

"I'm telling you now! What else do you want?"

"I should get a say in it!"

"What say? You wouldn't have to be pregnant or miss school or take care of it!"

"But it's not right to get rid of it!"

Hurt that he was so adamantly against her, she snapped, "I _know_ that the organizer of frat ragers isn't going to lecture me on morality."

Fire in his eyes, he fervently stated, "That's my baby, too, Alice. You can't just decide to do this without talking to me."

"Jasper—"

"I love you. I know you don't believe that right now, but I do. And I can help you take care of the baby. You know money isn't a problem. We could do this—"

"I don't want to play house, Jasper," she interrupted, her voice harsher than she intended. When she saw the pain flash across his face, she backpedaled, "We can't take care of a baby. What are you going to do, stay at the frat house and let pothead Peter babysit when you have class? Let's not even mention the fact that every time something goes wrong, you spend weeks completely trashed. It doesn't make sense."

"So you're just going to have this abortion because you can't handle it?"

"I'm having it because I don't _want_ it. This isn't a part of my plans."

He swallowed hard, looking out the window and taking deep breaths, trying to control his temper. Finally he said, "What if I want it?"

"What?"

"I'll raise it. If you have the baby, let me take him."

"What?" she repeated, sure she had misunderstood.

Turning back to face her, he said, "I want to take the baby. You wouldn't have to do anything but have him. I'll take him home from the hospital, I'll raise him, you wouldn't have to do anything."

"You're insane."

"I'm not. That's my baby, too, Alice, and I know you hate me right now, but you don't get to decide by yourself whether he or she lives or dies. I'll move out of the frat house, I'll go to AA, I'll hire a nanny, whatever I have to do, but I don't want our baby to die."

Alice stared at him in disbelief, the nurse was right. He _had_ surprised her. "It's not that easy! There are other things to consider!"

"Like what?"

"Like the fact that I could have problems even delivering a baby! The nurse said that someone my size might have problems being pregnant, that it could put so much pressure on my pelvis that I might not even be able to walk, that I could need a C-section! A baby doesn't just drop out of the sky. I'd have to carry it around in my body for nine months and need fucking surgery to get it out!"

"I'll pay for any medical—"

"You can't just throw money at this!" she practically screamed. "Don't you understand that this could ruin my life, my health, everything?"

Softly, so un-Jasper-like, he countered, "For a child? _Your_ child. You don't have to do anything after he's born. You don't even have to see him. Alice, _please_?"

•••

A/N: Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

 **Let Go**

Alice didn't believe in letting a problem fester and grow, and this problem was literally _growing_ every second.

•••

 _Wrestle an alligator. Have dinner with her junkie mother. Be trapped at the bottom of the ocean with only Donald Trump as company. Marry Justin Beiber._

All were things that Alice Cullen would rather do than ever have tell her father that she was pregnant, staying pregnant, and allowing Jasper to raise the baby.

She and Jasper had spent two hours in his car at the park negotiating the pregnancy and the terms. Jasper had promised that he would move out of the frat house immediately, as well as start seeing a therapist to discuss his issues and alcohol dependency; he would hire a nanny to teach him how to care for a child and to watch it while he went to class; he would _never_ allow Peter Reid near the child. In return, Jasper would pay for all of the pre-natal care and the cost of the delivery. He had offered her $10,000 a month as well as $100,000 upon the baby's birth, but Alice had firmly vetoed that. She was already uneasy with this arrangement and didn't want to add "baby selling" to the list of her sins.

As soon as they had agreed to that, Jasper had driven her to godmother's office. After Esme had broken out of her shocked daze, she had drawn up the contract with the terms that they had agreed upon, and both of them had signed it. Jasper had then driven them to a notary's office, so that the contract was officially binding. The only thing that Alice had ever seen him so committed to was finding the keg at a party, and she had no idea what to make of this Jasper.

He had driven back to campus so that she could fetch her car, and, after practicing her speech a thousand and one times on the drive back home, she almost felt prepared.

And all of that preparation went out the window the moment she entered the house and saw Esme sitting there with her furious father.

"Did you miss the day of law school that went over lawyer-client confidentiality?" she snapped.

"Mary Alice, don't you _dare_!" Carlisle exploded. "How could you do this?!"

"I didn't mean—"

"I _asked_ you! You stood there and lied to me!"

"I didn't know what to do! I panicked!"

"And drawing up a contract to give the baby to Jasper? Was that part of this panic?"

Alice turned to glare at Esme, who was attempting to sink into the furniture, before saying, "He has the means and he wants to take care of it."

"What does _Jasper Whitlock_ know about being a father? Did you even think before you signed that thing? You signed your baby over to an alcoholic who gets arrested once every three months! Do you know what that means?"

"He said he's going to change," she lamely replied.

"And how often does he tell you that? How many times have I had to listen to you cry because he said he was going to change and he _didn't_?" Pacing the length of the room, he demanded, "What were you _thinking_?"

"I was thinking that I didn't want to have the stupid abortion that I scheduled anymore than he wanted me to! I was thinking that if he wanted the damn thing so bad, he should have it because I _don't_! So stand there and scream at me because I'm so goddamn stupid, but I didn't know what else to do! You tell me, Dad! You tell me what answer would've made you happy!"

Sadly, his anger slowly evaporating, he began, "Alice—"

"I didn't want this," she said tearfully, "and I don't want to have this baby either, but I can't…I don't think I could go through with it, and he wants it so badly…Isn't it better that Jasper has it and it has a chance?"

"Oh, sweetie," Carlisle sighed, moving forward and wrapping her up in a hug. As Alice cried against his chest, he said, "I can help you. I'm a little rusty, but we can take care of it. I'm sure Esme can help us break the contract—"

"No," she cut in, pulling back, wiping at her face. "I don't want to take care of it, Dad. I don't want this baby, and I don't want to break the contract."

"Alice, think about what you're doing."

"I am, and this baby is not going to be raised by me." With more definitiveness than she felt, she informed him, "This is just Jasper's baby."

•••

A/N: Thanks for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

 **Let Go**

Alice didn't believe in letting a problem fester and grow, and this problem was literally _growing_ every second.

•••

He sent the check on the first of every month, and on the second, Alice always sent it back, just like clockwork. Whenever she had to see her obstetrician, Jasper came to the appointments, rain or shine, whether he had class or not. He was the one who asked questions about the baby's development, mostly because he spent most of his free time reading _What to Expect When You're Expecting._ When the doctor had asked if they had wanted to know the sex, Jasper had leapt at the chance to know while Alice had simply shrugged, indifferent. Whether or not she was carrying a boy or girl did not affect whether or not she felt something for the child inside of her.

On that day, the "it" inside of her became "she."

As the summer wore on and she entered her third trimester, her ankles were so swollen that she could barely stand on them. The extra weight had begun to strain her poor back. Most days, she did nothing but sit on the couch simply because it hurt so badly to move that she didn't want to suffer.

Jasper had rented an apartment near a park and turned the room with a balcony off of it into a nursery. He had brought pictures to a doctor's appointment to show her that he was living up to his end of the bargain. Despite her assurances that Carlisle Cullen would not maim him if he came to her place, Jasper did not press his luck. He tried to give her the option of helping him select a nanny, but she wanted no part of it. Eventually, he hired a British woman in her late-forties with a sweet smile and a Mary Poppins-esque disposition.

By the end of August with another month ahead of her, Alice could hardly move due to the pressure on her pelvis. Coupled with her high blood pressure, her doctor decided to induce labor. She had patiently called Jasper, explained what was happening, and he had rushed to the hospital despite the fact that there was nothing for him to do.

As she suffered through contractions, she thought of her mother. She hadn't heard or seen Jane Cullen in over fifteen years, and, while she had written her off the moment she had left her for drugs without a second thought, she wished that she had a mother right then. But even worse, as she felt the baby inside of her fighting to get out, she wondered one day if Jasper's daughter— _she couldn't call the baby her daughter or it would be too real_ —would think her as selfish and terrible as Alice thought of her own mother.

The sting of the epidural brought the bliss of numbness, and she closed her eyes as the obstetrician cut into her middle, moving and lifting organs to reach the child buried inside of her. When Alice heard the shriek of the infant that was being cradled in the blood-slick hands of the obstetrician, she couldn't help the tear that escaped, her eyes still tightly clenched shut so that she wouldn't see the baby she had already promised to another.

"Miss Cullen, do you want to see her?" one of the nurses queried.

Alice shook her head before rasping, "Give her to her father."

•••

A/N: Thanks for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

 **Let Go**

Alice didn't believe in letting a problem fester and grow, and this problem was literally _growing_ every second.

•••

Carlisle took her home two days later, and Alice vowed that everything would return to normal now. Even with the pain of the incision still a reminder of what had happened, Alice went back to school. She had given birth only a week before classes started, but she didn't care if she returned still carrying baby weight, still walking slowly. None of her friends said anything about what had happened, and Alice was certain that Bella had threatened Rosalie within an inch of her life if she asked any questions. Emmett, on the other hand, seemed at a complete loss as to what to say to her, and Alice was fine with that. Silence was better than pathetic attempts at trivial conversation.

As she sat in lecture, Alice realized that she didn't know who the hell she was anymore. She was a college senior who had three friends, one of whom was a holdover from high school and the other two were friends by association; she was an anthropology major with no direction in life; she was a mother to a child she had never seen, whose name she didn't even know, that was being raised by her ex-boyfriend.

Whoever she was, she wasn't Alice Cullen anymore.

...

Four weeks after the birth, Alice knew that she was depressed. At first she had found it ironic that she was suffering from postpartum depression when she didn't even _have_ the baby, but then she realized that maybe it wasn't as simple as that at all. She had gone to counseling services at school one day, but when she got there, she didn't know what to say. Instead, she had just apologized and left.

It was Bella that had suggested looking for an online support group. So Alice had found a message board for women who had given up their babies for adoption, but she had been so ashamed to post about how she knew exactly where her baby was and chose not to see her when these women were regretful for having done what they had done.

Once, in high school, she had to read a short story for class about an amputee who sometimes forgot that he was missing a limb because he could still feel it. At the time, she had thought it ridiculous, until she started aching with the phantom pain of her baby. When she would wake up, she would reach for her stomach, the way she had the entire time she was pregnant and would realize once again that the baby was gone. In the middle of the night she would wake up hearing a baby's cries only to realize that they were only imagined.

It was as if someone had died and Alice had never even known they were gone.

Six weeks after having the baby, Alice had woken up once again to the phantom baby cries. Out of irritation, she got into her car to drive the nearest store to buy ice cream, desperate for some sort of comfort food. She was halfway to the checkout when she saw him.

He was standing by a display of diapers, reaching for a package above his head, and she noticed that he looked tired, maybe even as tired as she was. And then she noticed the pink Snugli that was against his broad chest and her heart stopped.

Gripping the package in his hand, he turned and saw her, standing lamely in the center of the floor clutching her carton of butter pecan ice cream, white as a sheet. He moved slowly, or maybe it just seemed like that, and Alice realized that she had forgotten how to breathe.

"Hey."

It took a moment for Jasper's word to register. When they did, she quickly replied, "Hey."

"Late night craving?"

She nodded. "Diaper emergency?"

"She goes through 'em like crazy. I thought I had more."

They stood there awkwardly, neither knowing what to say, when the pink Snugli made the decision for them by beginning to fuss. Immediately, Jasper began to shush her, whispering nonsense words and bouncing a bit, and Alice could hardly believe that this man was the Jasper Whitlock she had known. It took only a minute for the Snugli to stop crying, and Alice didn't even realize that a lump had risen in her throat until she tried to speak.

"You're—" She swallowed. "You're good with her."

He smiled a bit wanly. "You should've seen me the first week. I was a mess."

"Right." Shifting uncomfortably, she opened her mouth to say that she was leaving but instead shocked herself by asking, "What's her name?"

"Margaret Rose Whitlock. Maggie, for short."

She attempted a smile. "That's a pretty name."

"Thanks."

Little Maggie shifted on his chest, and before she could stop herself, Alice reached a hand out. When she realized what she was doing, she began to draw it back. She didn't have a right to touch her.

"I should go," she decided.

"Alice—"

"You're doing a good job with her," she mumbled, trying to fight back the tears that were coming. "I'm proud of you. You're a good dad."

Moving into her path of flight, Jasper asked, "Do you want to hold her?"

Her eyes went wide. "I can't."

"Why not?"

"Jasper, please, I _can't_ ," she practically pleaded.

Purposefully, Jasper peeled back the pink fabric that surrounded Maggie, and, for the first time Alice saw her daughter. She was just as pink as the blanket with a tuft of blond hair that Alice recognized from Jasper's baby pictures. Her features were small and dainty, but she saw Jasper in them, her bow mouth was pursed in sleep.

"This is our daughter," Jasper softly said. "Her name is Maggie. And it's okay if you're scared but whenever you're ready, we'll be here."

And with that, Alice broke down.

In sadness and shame in herself, she began to sob in a way that never had before, and she cried even harder when Jasper used his free arm to pull her against his chest, the chest that their daughter was also cradled against, and reassured her, "It's okay. Everything will be alright."

•••

A/N: Thanks for reading!


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

 **Let Go**

Alice didn't believe in letting a problem fester and grow, and this problem was literally _growing_ every second.

•••

It took her a week to work up the courage to go to his apartment and an hour once she got there to actually go inside the building. When she finally knocked on his door, she was afraid she would pass out during the wait, and then, when he did open the door, she was certain she was going to.

With a smile, he quipped, "The last time I bought cookies, your other troop members wore _much_ sexier outfits."

Ignoring the joke, she simply stated, "I'd like to see her."

Jasper nodded, moving to let her pass, and Alice blinked in surprise at the bright, sunny apartment. It was so contrary to everything Jasper was that she couldn't believe that he actually lived there. Coupled with the baby blanket on the floor along with rattles and toys, she was certain she had stepped into a parallel universe.

Maggie's room was painted yellow with flowers on the walls. Already she had an overflowing toy chest as well as a full bookshelf, and it appeared as if Jasper had bought every baby accessory that had ever been made. A rocking chair sat by the doors to the balcony, and the beautifully-carved crib occupied one side of the room. Alice watched the easy way that Jasper picked her up, and Alice smiled at the onesie that she was wearing, so dainty that she couldn't imagine Jasper buying it. Maggie was awake, her eyes blinking, and she made no fuss as Jasper handed her over to Alice.

Her skin was softer than anything Alice had ever felt, and she gently stroked the fuzz on her head. She smelled of powder and a smell that could only be classified as baby, and Alice could not believe that this little person had grown inside of her.

The entire time she was pregnant, Alice had thought her to be a burden, a cross to bear, the albatross around her neck. But now, as she stared into the tiny, judgment-free face of her daughter, she could not imagine how she had ever _not_ wanted this baby.

"Hi," she said, stroking her cheek. "I'm Alice. I'm…I'm your mom."

Jasper, who was leaning against the door, his arms across his chest, spoke up, "Yeah, Mags, you remember her. She's the one I told you about."

"You told her about me?" Alice asked, startled.

Jasper steadily returned her gaze, a smile playing at his lips. "I figured you'd show up eventually, and I wanted her to know you when you did."

"What made you think I'd show up?"

His smile now full blown, he said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, "You're Alice Cullen."

Pressing a kiss to the top of Maggie's head, she asked, "Do you think I could come by and see her, you know, like visitation?"

"No."

"No?" she parroted, stunned.

"No," he repeated, moving away from the door. "You don't get visitation."

"Jasper —"

"You're her mother, whenever you want to see her, you can see her. You don't need my permission for that."

"You're just going to let me off the hook, just like that?"

He shrugged. "It's this new thing I'm trying. My therapist thinks I carry too many grudges and truthfully, I don't want you to be one of those." Tucking a lock of her hair behind her ear, he informed her, "I was never angry at you, Alice. I knew you were scared. And I learned a long time ago that patience with you pays off a lot more than trying to push you into something you're not ready for. I knew that when you were ready, you'd come."

"I'm sorry."

Inclining his head, Jasper assured her, "I know."

The kiss was sweet and lingering, and Alice felt the weight lift off of her heart at the pressure of his mouth against hers. When he pulled away, he grinned and declared, "We'll be okay."

For the first time in a long time, Alice truly believed him.

•••

A/N: This is the end, thanks for reading!


End file.
